I learn by going where I have to go... ...welcome to my most recent endeavor of organizing thoughts, happenings, and art of all sorts. my creations and art things are here: http://www.tumblr.com/blog/smwportfolio
today, wednesday, was a long day.
i’ve spent this evening trying to make progress on the projects and to do list,
only to realize i just kept re-ordering and prioritizing than actually getting anything done.
some things have been granted back burner status, while i’m finding assignments and papers and projects tucked into syllabuses that were never mentioned, but nonetheless are expected.
one of them being an artistic synthesis, that i can feel but couldn’t see, couldn’t grasp and had no clue how to express it.
that is, until the dreaded meditation sitting with nancy tonight in which i spent the first 15 minutes feeling very emotional and raw and vulnerable and trying not to cry, and not being able to pinpoint what was shaking me up so hard,
but that whole experience of total silence, and sitting with myself in all my minds worries and torrent,
brought me a jar. a mason jar, full of murky teal water and clay and dirt and glitter and gidgies with a little tiny person, a little me, perhaps clay too, and you could shake the jar and see the storm or let it settle and watch her swim and I just rested there, in that thought, imagining it different sizes, a tiny one for me to carry around, or a fishtank size, or a whole giant building of a jar and the real me could float and do a sort of performance art situation, stirring and swimming the things or maybe I’d stick with a jar jar, and that would be my artistic synthesis, and it would be perfect and calming but stormy as well, and meditative too, because this is all happening during meditation anyways, and it’s sort of nice when things like this happen, little fusion creations and I’ll remember to go back to the jar, in it, or holding it, when I need things to be contained, and it will be okay.
—
I missed the activities/club fair at the beginning of the year. after emailing and trying to connect to the performing arts club, I said i desperately wanted to get involved, and yes, they’d let me know the specifics. I never heard back and assumed they weren’t particularly active production wise this semester.
today i saw a poster for student written/directed shows and a disney revue presented by the performing arts club. just thinking about my frustration and anger and hurt and things that could have been but I had no way of knowing how to get there, I did all I could, what have I done to warrant these things? I see the jar shaking and tumbling, there are waves and everything mixes but it will, it has to, settle.
